How to Lose a Client

For those of you who do not know me intimately, I am a certified Loser. I lose money, clients, ideas and projects. Marriages, friendships and even family members.

I’ve been known to lose my mind just as frequently. Losing has become an Art form for me. Instead of fretting and mourning my losses, I decided to share my secret formula to losing ALL THE TIME.

After all, anyone can be good at winning. But losing… Consistently? Now that takes a PRO!

Today, I am proud to share all my techniques and tips to lose clients faster than the speed of Light! If you can relate to any of these or would like deeper insight on how to stand out as a real loser, contact me anytime!

PS: these brilliant suggestions work on any field! So feel free to apply them to all areas of your Life.

1. MONDAY - Stop Listening! The key to losing successfully is to just talk ya head off. Memorize scripts that interest no one and make sure you stick to it, even if it stops making sense. After all, you are the expert!

2. TUESDAY - Follow Up bitches! Call back to Follow up and really cement your expertise. Leave no room for interpretation. Do not be a secret Agent. Mystery is over rated anyway.

3. WEDNESDAY - Wednesday is email day! Send at least 3 coz why not? and as soon as you do, send texts confirming they’ve received your emails. Jab, Jab, Cross. Jab, Jab, Upper Cut.

4. THURSDAY - You’ve shown your clients some homes but they don’t seem to like any? Pressure them to write offers anyway! Buyers are LIARS and we know best. Remember: YOU ARE THE EXPERT. Let it be known.

5. FRIDAY - If they seem emotional, overwhelmed or upset in any way, match their energy. It’s a vibration game and no one vibes as high as you. Cry if you have to. Yelling is also great. Show them Who’s the Boss.

6. SATURDAY - Saturday is a great day for Open Houses. Don’t let them bring their kids coz they’re annoying. Don’t let them talk to any other agent in the room. BITCHES AIN’T LOYAL! And God knows you really need this commission. CHOP CHOP!

7. SUNDAY - Ok, we promised them a day off to rest. But no rest for the wicked hun! Especially if you’re born broke or ugly. Double Down! Knock on their door and make sure they know you are available ALL DAY! However, if they do call don’t answer. Don’t let them control your Time.

8. MONDAY - It’s Monday again. Repeat last week’s tip and add one more layer. Write offers anytime you can, especially if they’re not viable. They need to understand you have no boundaries and no Life outside of them. Don’t Plan and DON’T Strategize. JUST DO IT. And if they complain about losing, laugh at them. This game is not for weak! Pussies.

9. TUESDAY - Complain a lot about all your other clients. Call them names, blame them for any failures and be sure to use specific examples and names. BONUS POINTS:find out if their kids go to the same school! Gossip is the best friendship glue!

10.  WEDNESDAY - Ok, your 10 days are up! If your Pipeline is not dry yet, you are not working hard enough! Blow up their phone. Being ghosted only hurts if you have feelings. BUT YOU’RE A SALESPERSON! You have none.

And there you have it! My personal guide to losing! Ditch all other Gurus! This will give you more free time than you can ever imagine.

NOW THAT’S TRUE WEALTH!

And remember: if you can’t find a solution-

BE THE PROBLEM

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*The following advice is intended for mature audiences. The purpose of this newsletter is to inform and entertain. Follow advice at your own risk.

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