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- Mommie Dearest
“The Greatest role of her life… was her life.”
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My Dearest Children,
In the last few years the concept of “mee time” has been on everyone’s mind. We all want more “mee time”, meaning time we spend doing things for ourselves. Is usually equated with relaxing, taking time off work or chores. Time not spent doing things for others and instead putting focus on ourselves. I must confess I have spent plenty of time and money and effort trying hard to have more “mee time”. Dialed in. Booked in. What an effort! Turns out spending time with mee was a hassle I could barely afford!
It’s all some sort of plot, isn’t it? To sell us perhaps more junk we don’t need. We must have the right candles, the right robe and pajamas, the right lotions and potions just so we can spend some quality time with ourselves. Clever ruse indeed! Make it seem like it’s hard. Make it a problem, sell the solution.
The truth as I see it is this: all my time is mee time. I do not exist outside of mee. There is no mee outside of mee. My conversations with other people are mee time. I analyze my thoughts, reactions, my own wants and needs, through others. My charity causes are there to make me feel good about mee. My pets, my plants, my clothes, my woes. My beliefs, my gods, my if’s, my socks… everything is a conversation between mee and me. Who I am and who I am trying to be perceived as. Even the ideas or advice such as: we must listen more, we must be kinder, we must be selfless… We must! Why? Why must we be all those things? Why must we care about our neighbors? Why must we do honorable things? Why must we share our thoughts about the world incessantly? Why do we deal with our co workers and our family members, our clients or our landlords? Our spouses or our children? Our parents? Good grief, why do we do anything at all? Because we are thinking of ourselves. We are measuring and gaging in what way does this conversation benefit mee? In what way is this relationship convenient for me? Sounds cruel and detached I know… I know. I fought that thought myself too. Until I stopped pretending.
Whenever I did anything for myself I felt guilty I wasn’t thinking of others. And whenever I did something “for others” I felt ashamed because it wasn't an authentic action. It came from the desire to do something so people thought of me as altruistic or “good”. This feeling of shame would drive me into blaming the object of my “good deeds” for not being appreciative enough or not reciprocating my efforts enough. Why? Because I wanted a reward for being a good person. I was doing something I never wanted to do to begin with, I want the reward for my sacrifice. The return of my emotional investment was even more shame. Even more guilt. “Who asked you to do anything for me? If it didn’t come from the heart, why did you do it.” I felt even worse for doing things in order to get a reward, to get a prize. And because I felt even worse and over compensated by going the extra mile to please the other.
My cover was blown: I wasn’t doing it for them. I was doing it for me. Now I must really fix this and do an even bigger gesture. Whether the gesture was in words, actions or dollars I would invariably be stuck on a loop of giving with expectation of receiving.
It made me so bitter. So resentful. After all I’ve done… this is how you repay me.
I was stuck in a victim cycle. I wanted so desperately to be loved and seen by everyone else. By the world. I cannot lie. Nor have I ever tried to… I wanted the accolades. I wanted fame, recognition. I wanted love and attention. All the while feeling extremely guilty for wanting it.
I desired everyone else to approve of me. Fool I was…
My Dearest Children, Be selfish. Be selfish all you want. And be mad about it too. This life is but a brief experience, do not rob yourself of the joy of pure unbridled, self centeredness.
My point is narcissism is good. Narcissism works. It clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of who you truly are. Who you are truly meant to be. It is in you that all the secrets of the universe unfold. Do not waste a second of your time being anyone else.
To my darling children with love,
Mommy Dearest.
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*The following advice is intended for mature audiences. The purpose of this newsletter is to inform and entertain. Follow advice at your own risk.
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