Notebooks, Diaries and Meditations - “Before the Fire Goes Out” Available only on “The Outsider”

“A reflective and philosophical audio essay on procrastination, creativity, discipline, and the pursuit of a meaningful life. Speaking candidly beside a fireplace, the narrator explores the realization that her procrastination does not come from laziness, but from resistance to force, rigidity, and obligation. Through personal stories about acting, writing, fitness, and ambition, she reframes productivity as a matter of accessibility, desire, and emotional connection rather than punishment and strict scheduling.

Threaded throughout are reflections on home, fire, love, and human nature — culminating in the idea that true success is not external achievement, but the daily attempt to become the best version of oneself while remaining emotionally connected to the journey.”

All right, rant in coming.

I am going to.

I actually am sitting down here, uh, next to my, um, little heater.

Um, I love heat.

I love fireplaces.

I love heat.

I love heat.

And I'm about to draw.

I just was thinking doing some brainstorming with myself.

Very important to have some time to think.

You know, either you go for a walk, you go for, you know, I don't know.

You sit down and you think, it's very important.

You go for a drive.

Okay, that's a big one too.

I love going for a drive.

And with no music on, just to think.

So reserve time for you to think.

Um, very important.

Time block it, if you have to.

Um, but I was brainstorming with myself and I got the urge to draw something that I felt was really important and I wanted to document it.

And, um, and as I am having this impulse of like getting up and drawing something, I got inspired to create a little, um, recording of something that I was thinking about.

Um, I, you know, a lot of people struggle with this idea of, like, goal setting and taking action.

You know, I'm an actor.

I think that a lot of the things that I do are connected to that.

Um, all the goals, what I've realized is that like goals or goals.

Scripts are scripts.

And so, you know, if you're an actor you just learn to put those words into action.

That's all you have to do.

And so I am very disciplined with that action.

I also am very systematic.

I know acting systems, right?

And so, one of the things that I realized, um, is that I don't really, maybe because I'm an artist, maybe because I'm a millennial, maybe because I'm a woman, I don't really know why.

But I don't like to be forced to do things.

I hate to be forced to do things.

And, um, you know, it's very hard for me to be very rigid with my schedule.

I am just very scattered, but in a good way.

And I don't want to change that, right?

I feel like I, if I want to go to the gym is because I want to go to the gym, not because I'm forced to go to the gym.

If I want to write is because I want to write, not because I'm forced, and, you know, I have a deadline, or it's my job, or whatever it is, like, I have to write.

Or I have to, you know, the sensation of having to do something kind of removes the pleasure from the thing.

And that is probably the number one reason why I procrastinate or why I give up or quit.

This is a very important, like, aha moment for me, and, um, you know, because I deal with laziness.

My mother used to call me lazy all the time.

That was like her her biggest, you know, complaint about me, how lazy I was.

And um, and I always struggled with that label because, you know, I'm just so stubborn.

And when I don't want to do something, I just don't want to do it.

And there's also an...

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There's also moments in which I would procrastinate.

In those moments, I started observing myself, and I was like, when do I feel the laziest?

When do I feel the most need to procrastinate?

What is bringing me?

Why am I not, you know, I say that I want to go to the gym.

I say I want to do this.

I say I want to, you know, dance more.

I say I want to write more.

I say I want to make more money in my business.

Like, what the fuck?

You say you want it, you have the desire for it, yet you're not doing it.

What's not clicking?

What's not right about me?

And, um, this is kind of funny because I never look for answers.

I just ask questions and then I go about my day.

I ask myself questions and then I go about my day.

I ask God questions, and then I go about my day.

Um, And the reason why I procrastinated so much is the sensation and this feeling of I have to do this thing.

Right?

Like, I want to be successful in real estate.

I want to be successful in my tango journey.

I want to be an actor, I want to be a writer.

I want you know, I want all of these things.

I say I want all of these things.

I left my, I left my, I left my family to follow a dream, right?

It's like, and now why, why am I so lazy about it?

Like, what is going on?

I could do what I do in 5 years.

I can do is 6 months.

And I get so upset on myself, which makes it even worse.

But I was thinking, I was like, well, the reason why I procrastinate is because I feel forced to do that.

And so I do the things and I make the planning and I write down the actions and I write the script and I'm like, okay, I know this is what I have to do.

I know that this is the decision I have to make.

I know this is, you know, the time I should go to the gym and I just can't fucking get myself there.

And there's no amount of motivation, there's no amount of, you know, preparation, there's no amount of tips and tricks that make me more do more of what I don't want to do.

But it's a mind trip because I do want to do those things.

I just cannot find the willpower to do it.

Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't, but it's so erratic and I'm like, this, I need consistency.

And what I find out is that is the sensation.

I'm too stubborn.

And so the fixed calendar, the fixed idea of like, oh, I have to write, if I want to be a writer, I have to write.

I just have to sit down from 9 PM to 12 PM and I have to do this thing.

And the truth is that if I follow that type of schedule, nothing comes out.

Nothing comes out.

Nothing comes up.

I cannot do it.

I find that what really works for me is write down a list of all the things that I want to do.

So planning, knowing exactly what you want to do, knowing exactly what kind of actions you want to take, what kind of words you want to say, what kind of conversations, what kind of people you want to meet, what do you want to look like?

Be very specific about kind of life you want.

And write those things down, make tasks for yourself.

Okay?

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Give yourself ideas of like, when would this be ideal?

When would be the ideal moment for me to reach this?

What age or what time or what day of the week or what time, whatever.

And then just make it accessible.

So I know if I want to write, I'm not going to force myself to write on a Monday from 8 to 9 because I know that I'm going to sit down at 8 and nothing's going to come out and then I'm going to feel frustrated.

And then tomorrow I said I was going to do it from 8 to 9 and now I don't even have the motivation.

To sit down.

I don't even want to do it because now I feel stupid.

Like, I'm gonna waste my time.

And so what I do is that in every single room, in every single room in my, in my apartment, in every single space, you know, I have, uh, uh, you know, in my car, in my backpack, have a, uh, Notebook?

And a pencil.

So when the idea, when the moment, when the motivation, when the thing shows up, you're fucking ready.

You can pull the trigger in a minute.

You just grab that thing and you do it.

If you, if you want to draw more, you just grab the thing and you do it.

You just keep yourself on on your phone, on your calendar, on your computer, like, aware, when are there going to be the next classes?

Where are the workshops?

Where are the teachers about this thing?

Where are the books?

Where can I buy the books?

Where can I get the coffee?

Where can I get the clothes that I like?

You don't have to take action that moment, but keep the things available to you.

So when the moment shows up, you're there and you're ready.

You're ready, and then it's going to be associated.

The task starts being associated with freedom, with enthusiasm, with um, you know, Intrinsical desire.

Like this, I feel horny for this now.

I want to exact this thing now.

And to know that, you know, the activity is always available to you.

You know what I mean?

Like, okay, like I miss the class at the gym today.

Now I'm gonna feel bad about myself for 2 weeks, which is gonna make me miss 2 more weeks of fucking classes and now I'm like in this role that it's so hard to get out of.

And I'm always starting the motor from scratch, and so I don't start the motor from scratch.

I keep the motor running.

And if I feel, you know, like today didn't work out.

Tomorrow didn't work out.

Five days without going to the gym.

All right, dude, like fine.

But on the 6th day, you just fucking are filled with fuel and you're, you know, your, your key tack to the Y is on.

Your coach is on the other line, whatever you need.

Whatever you need whenever you need it.

Instead of having like a preconceived notion of like this is what it needs to look like.

This is what it needs to look like.

It needs to be once a week, otherwise it doesn't work.

Like, no.

The goal, which is on the front cover of the millionaire real estate agent, the goal is not to achieve anything in particular.

It's not the money.

It not the physique, it's not the metal.

The goal is to be the best you can be.

And so if at any point you look at your day and you say, look, was I the best I could be today?

Could I have, like, pushed me myself just a little, look, 5 extra minutes at work, 5 extra minutes at the gym?

I have done that?

That's it.

If you push yourself to the max and you do go to bed with the consciousness that you did your best, that is successful life. Is a very successful life.

You know, and the external will follow or not.

You know what I mean?

Like, who cares?

But you're so busy and entertained doing the things that your heart believes are the best.

Now, don't go following your heart, but, you know, it's very important now.

Don't go following your heart willy nilly, because then they're just going to be random impulses, and you won't know yourself, and you don't know which direction you're trying to go.

It's very important that you live a life, true, truly, that you live a life by design. That you can understand like, yes, like, there will be work for everyone, and there will be learning curves for everyone, and everything's going to be difficult.

But like, if I were to choose a difficult, where would I go?

And uh, being super purposeful with how you want things to look and be rigid in it. Like, nah, dude, like this is my vision.

And uh, if other people don't like it, that's totally okay.

If people like it, that's gonna be wonderful, but I am committed to myself and to live the life of my dreams.

It's really important.

And um, I think that's it.

Oh, very important, you know, a good home, a true home, has to have a fireplace, a true woodburning fireplace.

It's the most important, you know, uh, piece of the house you need to have wood that burns in your house.

I don't really understand certain policies about having, you know, that being limited and now everything is gas.

Gas is not good for you.

If you go back to the house, to the word home, to the, to the origin of the, the word home, in Latin, in Asian languages, home meant fireplace.

That is where we, as a species, changed.

We went from nomads.

Uh, to, to farmers.

And why?

Because we controlled fire, and the fire was in the middle, and that's where we gathered.

And all of a sudden we had a place to go back to, which made us more grounded, more connected to that specific space.

And that's when we started realizing like, okay, instead of collecting shit out there and wandering and wandering and eating different things every day, how about we just sit here where the fire is?

And fire became the home.

And so at home without a true fireplace with wood sticks, wood.

Chopped wood in their thing.

It's not a true home, it's just, you know, a building or something like that.

These laws now that they want to prohibit that, I don't understand.

I don't know where you lobby against that.

But, uh, it's, it's on my, it's on my radar.

I'm against it.

You are now Reading L’Etranger

And um, just so you know.

Sounds like some sort of, like, communist agenda to me.

And I don't like that.

I don't like that at all.

I not into communism.

Okay?

Um, Not my thing.

Never been about it.

Anyway, fire is very important, my friends. Very important.

Um, If I were you, I would buy houses with true fireplaces.

That's what rich people do.

That's what rich people do.

Um, what else today?

No, I think that's it.

I think that's it.

Um, I think that's it for now.

Just don't, you're procrastination comes from this feeling of like, oh, I have to do this fucking shit and I don't want it now.

And I have to.

Otherwise, I don't get what I want, which is the life of my dreams, but like, ah, shouldn't the life of my dreams be dreamy?

Yeah, it should.

You are the one that, you know, is putting it in a rigid form.

You know what I mean?

Like, have the life of your rehearse it and have the life of your dreams accessible to you.

My running shoes are always by the door, because I don't know when when the mood hits, I'm ready to go.

We're going.

Because, like that moment, that, like, it comes from, uh, you know, your own heart to want to do something.

Um, You want to do it and you feel more pleasure in it.

And like you go for a walk and you're like, I really wanted to do this.

This was really good.

What a great idea.

You know, and if I didn't have that available, if I didn't have the notebook, if I didn't have the pencil, if I didn't have the, you know, the phone, if I didn't have the thing, I wouldn't be, I would, you know, something would get in the way, and then by the time I was actually ready, I wouldn't want to do it anymore.

And I also don't want to force myself to go, because then I'm gonna be there, but I don't want to really be there.

I'm going to resent being there because I didn't really want to be there.

And so you start resenting the task.

You start resenting your own goals.

You know, you don't want that.

You want to enjoy them, you want to love them.

And I think this is a really important lesson.

Um, because you want to be able to have a happy life.

You know, you have to be happy in the journey.

There's no accomplishing anything.

It's only you getting up every day and doing your best, and, you know, the amount of frustration that it comes with trying to do your best sometimes is what is the only negative thing.

You're frustrating yourself.

For no reason.

You want to do something, do it?

Just do it.

You know, like, I want to read more.

Okay, I have books spread all over my house, in my backpack, in my, uh, um, you know, car in my kitchen.

There's books everywhere. There's a book.

I don't force myself to read anything, but they're always available to me.

They're always available.

So when the mood strikes and it strikes a lot, I can go two or three days without reading, and then I'll go like 5 days that I don't stop reading.

But the 3 days I don't read.

I don't consider myself a failure in in readmanship, you know?

I still, that's a success because the, the true measure of success is like I get to read a book because this is good.

I like reading.

And that's how I treat everything or try to treat everything.

I, you know, like, I don't, you know, real estate is not, oh, I have to do this because that's how we make money.

I don't particularly care.

It's just like something that caught my attention.

I am interested in it.

And I spend as much time as I can in any given day with that, and I pay attention to it, and I love it.

And I think that that's the juice of everything.

You know, it's it's really cheesy, but it's love.

I only got five minutes for you today, but, you know, it's filled with love.

I want it to be here.

I wanted to be here.

And that means something.

That means everything.

I want to do this.

This Episode is Brought to You by House.Roc RE Entertainment - Where Home is You & The Stories Inside

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